I was watching Dr. Phil who is beginning his next Parent Boot Camp (teens/kids too) and it was interesting to listen to the parents and hear how they talk about their kids.

The parents were not happy with their teen, did not particularly like them, very angry and frustrated with them, wanted to stop being their parents and did not know what to do.

Dr. Phil asked the parents some very important questions: What part is the parents’ responsibility for their child(s) behavior? What are they (parents) telling their kids? What type of words are the parents imprinting on their child (s) mind? These questions may not be verbatum but similar ones were asked.

The parents acknowledged their responsibility with help creating their child (s) behavior but the acknowledgement was not easy!

Dr. Phil pointed out, which I agree, the child (s) don’t just turn out: mean, rude, having tantrums when their way is not done, yelling, wanting everything, not following the rules, running away or eating too much.

I am not saying, nor Dr. Phil is, that the parents are not solely responsible because the child (s) are responsible for their behavior but the parent can help in creating a positive or negative way of relating to one another.

So Parents I ask you:

1. How do you see your child (s)? Do you see them as loveable people that need to be guided in life inspite of their difficult/challenging behaviors at time? Do you see them as mean, rude people that you cannot love at all? Are you “done” being their parent?

How you are reacting to your child (s) behavior can keep your relationship in a negative vicious cycle.

2. How are you contributing to your child(s) behavior?

If you react to the problem then you are contributing to the problem.

3. How would you like to relate to your child(s)?
4. How can you change your reaction to a more positive response?

Teens and parents CAN get along. The relationship can be challenged by: differences of opinions, independence desired from child(s), parent not wanting child to be independent, both wanting to be “right”.

The Parent Boot Camp will be a very difficult and challenging experience for the families participating. I know they will work through the challenges and become a stronger family.

You may not be able to go to a Parent Boot Camp but there are things that you can do so you RESPOND to your child(s) and not react.

1. Set your emotions aside. When two people get emotionally entrenched, no one is listening and problems are not being solved.

2. Talk about the specific issue. Stay focused. When the conversation gets off track, the problem does not get solved but adds more drama.

3. When frustration or anger arises: STOP the conversation; take a break so emotions can be more in control. Return about 10-15min later or when calm. This process may need to be repeated and if it does, that is okay. You are beginning to create change.

4. Listen to each others’ views. Don’t speak over one another. Clarify what was spoken so understanding is completed.

5. Come up with possible solutions to the problem. Parents: You can help your child learn to negotiate so the situation can be a win-win!

There will of course be times when what a parent says goes, and the child(s) will have to accept it. These steps can help both you and your child(s) to have better communication and a better relationship together.