Divorce is a very difficult situation in everyone’s lives. It is very emotional, hurtful, takes a lot of time and effort and creates many changes in the lives of parents and children. There are many reasons why a couple divorces: finances, out of love, affairs, abuse, does not want to be married anymore.

Divorce does not have to be an overwhelming situation for the family, if healthy steps are taken place.

1. Before a couple divorces, it is important to have some marital counseling or even divorce counseling. Why? Since divorce can bring out the worst in a person because of the hurtful emotions, the counseling can help the couple reduce their emotional reactivity and learn how to express themselves without emotionally hurting themselves and everyone else in their family. The counseling can go on for 6 months or as long as a year. The goal for this type of counseling is to help the couple come up with a plan on how to handle thier family issues as two individuals but also how to be parents while they are living in separate places.

2. Not blaming the other spouse for what happened. “It takes 2 to tango” is a great saying, not for something that is awesome but also for divorce. If a divorce happens because of an affair, there were many steps before the actual affair took place. Counseling can help resolve those hurtful feelings so that each spouse is not going to blame the other person. Blaming does nothing to help the children become strong individuals themselves and blaming adds more stress to everyone than is necessary.

3. Accept responsibility for the changes in marriage and leading to the divorce. As parents, we want our kids to accept responsibility for what they have done in situations like homework or school so it’s important for parents to accept responsibility for how the marriage has changed, for good or for bad. When responsibility is taken, the adults are showing the children that they are mature enough to look at what has happened and can begin to see how positives can come from a divorce.

4. Communicating with your ex is very important, especially with children. When a divorce happens, a person divorces the spouse, not the children. You are still parents to your children and children need both of you, not just one. If communication is difficult, then going to counseling together, post divorce, can be effective to know how to communicate with your ex. It is also important to show the children that you and your ex can get along with each other because the children still need their parents.

5. Do not use your children against the ex. Whatever bad feelings you have toward your ex, DO NOT use your children as go-betweens. This causes more stress on your child(s) and does not help the relationship for you or your ex. When the child/children grow up, they may see that you (if you are the one who is using your child against your ex) are the opposite of what you claim to be. If you tell your child that your ex is a no good person, mean and angry and the child sees your ex as not that person at all, the child can see YOU as a no good person, mean and angry. This also causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child.

6. Create a family plan. This is a plan that outlines: schedules, time frames for pick up/drop off, rules for each household, what and how you and your ex will agree on, how the children will be involved and how discipline will be followed through. This is very healthy to do because everything is done in writing and everyone can participate in this plan which can also help ease some stress. Even this plan can be amended when you or your ex has a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

Divorce is tough on everyone. You and your ex or soon to be can make it easier or harder on the children when it does not have to be. Keep your negative comments about your ex to yourself. Do your best to be a mature person and if that is difficult for you, then get help for it, so your children do not have to suffer.