How do you and your spouse fight? Is it fair? Do you want to win? Do you fight in front of your children? Do you bring up things that were in the past, that have been resolved? Is the way you are fighting help or hurt your relationship?

How you answer these questions will give you insight to how you are fighting and changes may need to be made.

Rules for fighting fair:

1. Set rules that you and your spouse will agree to and write them down. When rules are set, there will be peace and the issue can be resolved easier and quicker.

2. Stick to the issue. If the issue is about how he does not put the toilet seat down or how she does not pick up the clothes, then stick with that issue. Do not add how he or she does not do other things in a good way. That takes the conversation off course and is more selfish that way.

3. No screaming or yelling. When a person screams or yells, they are trying to win and be heard. The person may feel that : I can be listened to when I raise my voice. Well, that’s not true. The more a person yells, the less likely the other person is to listen.

4. Speak in a calm manner. When tensions arise because of the conversation, take a timeout. Time outs are not just for children, but is used to separate yourself from the conversation so you can stay on track and not yell.

5. Use “I” statements: I feel,, I don’t like,, I would like,, . When  a person says: You never,, that puts them on the defensive side and they will do just that, they will defend their position until they are heard and they may scream to be heard! Using “I” statements, helps us to be responsible for our feelings, thoughts and attitudes about a particular situation and we will be heard.

6. If it’s in the past, let it pass! Bringing up past arguments does not help anyone. Even if a situation feels like something that you have dealt with before, do not bring it up. Stick to the current conversation. The past adds more to the current situation than is necessary. Using the past as an “example” may not help the current situation either because it could put the person on the defensive which is counterproductive.

7. Listen. When a person truly listens, each person will feel heard, and that is what many people want. Each person wants to be heard, feelings validated and have their views accepted whether it’s liked or not.

8. Do not fight in front of children. Parents need to demonstrate to their children how to communicate when they are angry. Fighting does not do that. Fighting is like two adult people having a temper tantrum and kids see that as being okay. Kids need to see how their parents communicate. Parents can communicate their views in front of their children, which is good.

9. Set a time limit. An argument does not have to take days, weeks or months to discuss. Setting a limit helps the conversation to be focused on the issue at hand and there is a time for that issue to be “done”. A time can be placed when to discuss what needs to be discussed. If a spouse is coming home from work and stuck in traffic, that may not be a time to bring up how the bank messed up something, or how “Billy” did in school or how the diswasher is backed up! Letting yourspouse know that there is something to be discussed when he/she is home, that things are okay, will help a lot more than while they are in traffic.

10: Focus on solutions! How to resolve an issue is just as important as talking about the issues. Solutions allow each person to see that there are ways to resolve an issue, is very productive and lightens up the intensity of what the particular issue brings. Solutions also helps the mind move in a forward direction, instead of being “stuck”. Solutions also bring creativity to resolving an issue and allows each person to work together.

I hope these ten items help you to fight fair. There can be plenty more ways on how to fight fair which is great. In order to fight fair, it must be practiced because when there is something new, it needs to be practiced so it will be easier to do.