Sanders Therapy

Forgiveness is to “grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt”, Wikipedia, 2009. Forgiveness can also be refusing to hurt the person who has hurt you; it’s not denying that something bad has happened. Forgiveness prevents the deed from doing any further damage than it already has to you and your life.

You may have been hurt by someone or you have caused hurt to someone. A relationship is broken and may need to be mended.

In order to forgive, there are steps that a person can take:

1) Acknowledge that you have been hurt. If you have hurt someone, you will need to acknowledge what you have done. Confessing the hurt may not feel good but it helps in the forgiveness process.

2) Taking responsibility for the act which continues to help the process of forgiveness.

3) Asking what you can do to help rebuild the trust in the relationship. Then follow through.

It is the person’s choice to seek forgiveness and to give forgiveness.

Sometimes, forgiveness can be given too early. This means the person giving forgiveness may not want to confront the person who’s offended them, not want to acknowledge their pain or could be they are playing a “victim” role. When forgiveness is given too early, it can prevent reconciliation from happening. Premature forgiveness can also cause other problems such as: anxiety, depression, more pain and guilt or even vengeance.

It may take time for you to forgive someone. In order for true forgiveness to be given you must:

Acknowledge the hurt that you feel towards the person; Ask yourself if forgiveness will help you feel reconnected to that person; Let Go of the hurt by deciding to forgive then Begin to see the person in a new light.

When forgiveness is not given or sought, more hurt can be caused to the person who does not seek or ask for forgiveness. I am not trying to be complicated here, but forgiveness is a personal choice and it really only hinders the person from their own shame and guilt.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool to help restore relationships, brings inner peace to the person seeking and giving forgiveness.

Forgiveness does help restore trust in a relationship. Rebuilding trust can take time.

Each person needs to make some decisions: 1) Let the past be in the past– the past cannot be changed but it does not have to be replayed 2) Remind yourself that forgiveness has been given to the person 3) See the positive aspects of the person and not focus on their faults 4) Allow the relationship to be restored 5) Remember when forgiveness is given, your mental health is at peace.

Change is inevitable. It happens around us and even as this article is being written.

When a person is in control of change, it feels good, exciting, a little nervous and maybe even a little sad. When change is out of a person’s control, it hurts even more because the change was not expected.

There are many things a person can do when change happens. Some of the things that a person does may not be helpful, such as: get totally depressed, denial about the change, refuse to move forward, stay in the past and be so angry that more change happens.

Change can be hard to accept; people do get sad when change happens but it does not have to be a bad thing.

What can a person do?:

1) Accept the fact that change DOES happen. There are a few things that stay the same: sun rises and sets daily, still 24 hours in a day, still have to pay taxes every April and holidays are on the same date each year.

     When a person accepts that change happens, he/she will be able to know how to handle that change quicker and have more joy in life.

2) Acknowledge that he/she can do something with that change. Change brings new opportunity for growth. Change can also bring some difficut times but the change can continue to lead to new opportunities.

3) Embrace the change. After accepting and acknowledging that change happens, when change is embraced, it can make it easier for the person to decide to do something with that change.

Of course, a person has the choice to resist change, make the change worse, be led by their feelings and hold onto the past. If the person chooses to do this approach, life may be very difficult for them, will be less happy and may miss out on some new learning experiences.

Change is inevitable. The person makes the choice to accept, acknowledge and embrace the change, to learn and grow from it. The person can also make the choice to not do anything when change happens.

What will be your choice?

Marriage is a wonderful relationship; some may see it as an institution and maybe so, but it does not have to have a negative meaning attached to it.

Marriage takes work. It took work to get the person you chose to fall in love with, and it continues to take work after the vows to stay in love.

When marriages are based on feelings, the marriage is very difficult to maintain.  Feelings change many times throughout the day which makes a marriage hard to stay strong.

Marriage needs:

1. Committment from both spouses to stay in the marriage. Love is a decision, even when your spouse has lost the spark or is showing a more irritated side than when you were dating. Wake up each morning and ask yourself how you can help your spouse out that day.

2. Deciding to continue to see the reasons why you loved your spouse in the first place. When two people date, they show the best side of each other. They do things for each other without being asked. If there is a trait that is less than loveable, it may be overlooked but in a marriage, that unloveable trait is whats in the forefront!

3. Keep each other as first priority. Your spouse is number one and is the most important person in your life. Yes, if you have kids, they are important to, but remember: Your spouse was there before your kids.

4. Have a date night. Even if you do not have kids, date nights are still great to have.  The date night helps you to stay connected to each other. On the date night, talk only about your relationship. Don’t talk about the kids, bills, worries, or in laws. This is the time to express your love with each other, remembering how it was while you dated, and enjoy each other.

5. Fight Fair. When a person is angry, words come out that are hurtful and nasty and can stay on the mind of the other for a long time. Set aside a time to talk about a particular issue.  Stay focused on that issue. Take a time out (not just for kids) when emotions begin to flare. Come back to the topic when you are more calm. Do not throw out the “D” word (divorce).  It creates more distance than closeness. Do not bring up what he/she did days, weeks, months or years ago. Focus on the issue at hand.

6. Be each others’ cheerleader! Supporting each other’s accomplishments and challenges strengthens the bond between the two of you. No other support from a friend, family or acquaintance will mean as much as the one coming from your spouse.

7. Speak words of encouragement to your spouse. This connects with being the cheerleader but focuses more on the words that are spoken. You can build up or tear down your spouse by the words you say. So, if you want your marriage to be stronger, build up your spouse with positive and encouraging words. Write down the things you love about him/her and share it with them. They will feel more loved and connected with you.

8. Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings.  Blaming your spouse for being late to work is not being responsible. Admit when a mistake has been made, make corrections and change for the better. The more responsibility you accept, the more you accept with your feelings, the stronger the communication you and your spouse can have. You may be a couple, but you are still an individual with the choices and feelings you have and show.

9. Forgiveness. Forgiveness helps the healing process when a person has been hurt. Forgiveness is more than just saying , “I’m sorry”; it is a recognition of the behavior and deciding to not hurt that person again. Forgiveness helps the person who is asking for it. It is upto the spouse to give forgiveness which may take time depending on the the hurt that was caused. When forgiveness is sought out and received, marriages are strengthened.

10. Laugh with each other. Laughter reduces stress, makes people feel good, eases tight situations, increases attraction towards the other and strengthens the marriage bond.

Marriage takes work. Together,  marriage can and will work!

Speaking to teenagers can be very difficult. It is really difficult when the only responses are: “yeah”; “no”; “shoulder shrug”; “whateva”; or the famous one, “I don’t know”. Other difficulties with communicating with teens can be: the ipod in their ears, a sign on their door says not to enter, on Facebook or Myspace, out with friends or just does not want to talk. What can a parent do?

Here is a list of four things to do to communicate with your teen.

1) Set time aside for conversation with your teen. Teens are so busy with sports, friends, computer time, that having a specific time where you both can sit down and talk is very helpful.

2) With setting a time, you and your teen can do something together. Sometimes it takes the edge off of both of you of just sitting there with not a whole lot of things to say. After the activity, it helps to break the ice.

3) Listen. This is very important because one thing that teens want is to be heard. Listening can be difficult for a parent because parents are better at telling teens what to do. The more you listen, the more you will know about your teen.

4) Don’t judge or criticize what your teen says. If they are commenting about a teacher, what they don’t like about him/her or that the teacher does not know what he’s talking about, just listen. Remember, the more you listen, the more you will know about your teen!

There may be more things you can do to communicate with your teen, but sometimes learning to focus on these four can help make the little changes in your relationship seem really big!

Take time and you can see a difference.

How do you and your spouse fight? Is it fair? Do you want to win? Do you fight in front of your children? Do you bring up things that were in the past, that have been resolved? Is the way you are fighting help or hurt your relationship?

How you answer these questions will give you insight to how you are fighting and changes may need to be made.

Rules for fighting fair:

1. Set rules that you and your spouse will agree to and write them down. When rules are set, there will be peace and the issue can be resolved easier and quicker.

2. Stick to the issue. If the issue is about how he does not put the toilet seat down or how she does not pick up the clothes, then stick with that issue. Do not add how he or she does not do other things in a good way. That takes the conversation off course and is more selfish that way.

3. No screaming or yelling. When a person screams or yells, they are trying to win and be heard. The person may feel that : I can be listened to when I raise my voice. Well, that’s not true. The more a person yells, the less likely the other person is to listen.

4. Speak in a calm manner. When tensions arise because of the conversation, take a timeout. Time outs are not just for children, but is used to separate yourself from the conversation so you can stay on track and not yell.

5. Use “I” statements: I feel,, I don’t like,, I would like,, . When  a person says: You never,, that puts them on the defensive side and they will do just that, they will defend their position until they are heard and they may scream to be heard! Using “I” statements, helps us to be responsible for our feelings, thoughts and attitudes about a particular situation and we will be heard.

6. If it’s in the past, let it pass! Bringing up past arguments does not help anyone. Even if a situation feels like something that you have dealt with before, do not bring it up. Stick to the current conversation. The past adds more to the current situation than is necessary. Using the past as an “example” may not help the current situation either because it could put the person on the defensive which is counterproductive.

7. Listen. When a person truly listens, each person will feel heard, and that is what many people want. Each person wants to be heard, feelings validated and have their views accepted whether it’s liked or not.

8. Do not fight in front of children. Parents need to demonstrate to their children how to communicate when they are angry. Fighting does not do that. Fighting is like two adult people having a temper tantrum and kids see that as being okay. Kids need to see how their parents communicate. Parents can communicate their views in front of their children, which is good.

9. Set a time limit. An argument does not have to take days, weeks or months to discuss. Setting a limit helps the conversation to be focused on the issue at hand and there is a time for that issue to be “done”. A time can be placed when to discuss what needs to be discussed. If a spouse is coming home from work and stuck in traffic, that may not be a time to bring up how the bank messed up something, or how “Billy” did in school or how the diswasher is backed up! Letting yourspouse know that there is something to be discussed when he/she is home, that things are okay, will help a lot more than while they are in traffic.

10: Focus on solutions! How to resolve an issue is just as important as talking about the issues. Solutions allow each person to see that there are ways to resolve an issue, is very productive and lightens up the intensity of what the particular issue brings. Solutions also helps the mind move in a forward direction, instead of being “stuck”. Solutions also bring creativity to resolving an issue and allows each person to work together.

I hope these ten items help you to fight fair. There can be plenty more ways on how to fight fair which is great. In order to fight fair, it must be practiced because when there is something new, it needs to be practiced so it will be easier to do.

While a couple dates, it is so easy to show love. The relationship blossoms, sex is good and often, each person goes out of their way to do something nice for each other, without any question and everything is “great!”

It seems like after marriage, the romance, passion and doing things out of kindness fades. Why is that? Is it because of work gets in the way, the kids get in the way, each truly sees the “negatives” in each other,, or what?

Continued

Each person defines happiness differently. Some believe happiness is: money, family, sex, success, friends. Maybe it is all of these things? What about when there is a trial in your life that causes you pain, are there still things that a person can be happy about? I think so.

What if happiness is a state of mind? A person creates the state they are going to be in no matter the external factors around them. I am not saying to ignore what is happening around you, but you can choose to be hurt, angry, sad, happy, or many other feelings that can be experienced.

It can be difficult to be happy when a situation happens and seems to have the person’s whole world turned upside down.

I have been in situations like that: father dying, family moving away, loss of relationships, but I had a choice too. I had the choice to hurt, upset, grieve, anger, anxiety and I did feel those feelings for a time being. I did allow myself to experience many different feelings because I knew that I need to work through my feelings. After grieving, I looked at what I was able to do, who I had to talk with and made the decision that I was going to be okay.

It is still sad to not have my dad in my life and Father’s Day hurts a bit, but I choose to remember what I learned from him. I also choose to learn from past relationships because I am happier when I make the choice to be happy.

I may have a couple of different points in this post: tragedies happen, loss happens, some tragedies are from our own decisions and control and others are totally out of our control; we can choose to focus on the past hurt and keep ourselves in that situation with our thoughts; we can choose to remember the good and learn from the past; we can choose to be happy.

So, happiness is a choice and for each person has a different meaning. I do hope that you find what happiness means to you and you enjoy the happiness, even if you are in a difficult situation,, “it too will pass”.

Life has it’s ups and downs and there are many things that we can do with an experience in our life. What do you choose to do with it? Do you learn from the experience or regret it?

We don’t always make the best choices and yes, hindsight is 20/20. We can also learn how to respond differently, how to be more patient with someone or ourselves so that when another difficult experience happens, we can respond better or have more patience.

Learning from the trials in our lives helps us grow and become more wise. Some learning experiences are harder than others and I think that is dependent upon what we decide at a particular time.

If we choose to have a learning attitude then we continue moving forward in our lives instead of staying where we are at.

There are a lot of things that a person experiences and those experiences can shape a person’s life. Through those experiences, a person can become stronger or more of a victim.

For the person who has self-pity, their view of the world is very dim, negative and in some ways, blaming others for their own feelings. There can also be a lot of other feelings but we are only reaching a tip of the iceberg.

For the person who chooses empowerment, their view of the world is more optimistic. They may have gone through some difficult experiences but choose to use those experiences to become stronger, to learn from them and know that they make the choice on how they are going to live their life inspite of the tough situations.

A person can not be both: pitiful and powerful at the same time. The person would need to make a choice. So, what are you going to choose today?

Continued

Responsibility seems like a big deal and in it is. A person needs to be responsible for: paying the bills, taking care of things, taking care of themselves, help others, and the list can go on. But what don’t you take responsibility for?

What I mean is, do you take responsibility for your feelings, your reactions to something that may not have been that big of a deal, but you overreacted? Do you take responsibility for your thoughts, how your life turned out or didn’t turn out?

It seems that not a whole lot of people are responsible for what they say, do, think, feel and react to. It seems that everyone is blaming another person, or circumstance for how their life is today. That does not help.

How about taking responsibility for your actions, whatever the circumstance you are in. You are in control of your thoughts and feelings and you can choose to act or react to a situation. You are responsible for how you live your life. So, instead of blaming, be responsible and just maybe, you will feel more in control of your life,, inspite of how life’s circumstances come around.