Sanders Therapy

Anxiety is normal. When you think of speaking in front of people, there’s some anxiety. When you need to take a test, there is anxiety. When we are not sure if a person will like us, there is anxiety. Anxiety can become overwhelming, when the anxiety is more in control of you than you in control of your anxieties, that is overwhelming.

When a person is anxious, this is what he/she can do to calm down:
1. Stop all anxious thoughts. You can control the thoughts that come into your mind. This may need to be practiced until you are more in control of your thoughs. Stop the anxious thoughts when they come into your mind.

2. Breathe. Take deep breaths. Don’t hold your breath in!

3. Ask yourself what the anxiety is about. When you know why you are anxious you will be able to know what you can do about it.

4. Come up with solutions that will help you be in control. Anxiety can be a helpful tool for us and show where we may need to do something. For example, when a test is coming up and anxiety is there, the anxiety can tell us that we may need to study more. When we study and prepare, the anxiety will lessen. Write down also what you have done to help ease your anxiety.

5. Fear can be related to anxiety. What are you afraid of? If you aren’t sure of what you are afraid of, find out. Write it out.

6. Is the fear rational or irrational? Can the fear be resolved? If so, come up with solutions to resolve the fear. Most, if not all, fears can be resolved.

7. Look at the thoughts you are thinking. Are the thoughts positive ones or negative? If they are negative thoughts, write them down then write a positive thought next to it. Use the Stop technique when you have a negative thought. Replace with a positive one.

8. Meditate on words of affirmation. Meditation is thinking constantly on one or multiple issues. For example, if you are constantly worrying, then you are meditating on being worried. Change your focus on words of affirmation. Affirm what you can do. If you are a fun-loving person to be around, then meditate, “I am a fun-loving person”. Believe it!

9. Write down what you gain by being anxious. If you do not gain anything, then write down what you lose when you are anxious, such as time, peace or happiness.

10. Remember times when you were happier, more confident, more peaceful. How did it feel? What were you doing? Visualize being that person again! This also takes practice but you can BE that person again!

Anxieties can also wreck havoc on our sleeping and eating patterns as well as our physical state.

1. Getting proper sleep each night can help restore balance to your body.

2. Eating nutritional meals also help. Having 5-6 small meals throughout the day helps the blood sugar remain stable. Balanced meals with protein, healthy carbohydrates and a fruit or veggies will help. Look at what you are eating. If you are eating excessive amounts of salt, sugar, caffeine, then you can try to slowly cut them out to see if that helps your anxieties to calm down. Cutting those things out can also help your digestive track to be more healthy.

3. Drinking plenty of water can help restore balance to the body. If you aren’t used to drinking a lot of water, you may go to the bathroom more!

4. Exercise daily. A thirty minute walk can do a wonderful thing to restoring balance to the body. It does wonders for mental fitness!

5. Writing out thoughts and feelings in a journal can help. Finding a person that you can trust is also helpful.

Medication can help reduce symptoms of anxiety. Some medication can also help depression which may be connected with the anxiety. Consult a psychiatrist or your primary care doctor if this route is needed.

Holistic remedies can also help anxiety. Some suggestions can be: Valerian root, Bach flower remedies, Kava Kava, Chamomile and Passion Flower (www.holistichelp.net). These are best combined with exercise and meditation.

A person can also learn to embrace the anxiety. There will be times when you will feel anxious and embracing that anxiety and still getting things done like a test, speaking in a group, will calm the anxiety and build your confidence– that you CAN DO inspite of the anxiety.

Laugh at yourself. That helps you to take your focus off your anxieties, learn to enjoy what you are doing and relax!

One final way which may sound off the wall but can help restore YOU being in control of your anxiety.

Schedule your anxiety. You have a busy day ahead of you and need to get things done, you have done all the things on the list but still may have some anxiety. You decide when you are going to be anxious. You tell yourself that when you get home, you have thirty minutes before you need to make dinner, you will have your “anxious time”. You are only going to be anxious in those 30 minutes. Set a timer. When the timer goes off, you will not be anxious. You are telling yourself that your anxiety is not in control of you, but you are iin control of your anxiety. You can also schedule a calming time which helps bring peace and relaxation.

Anxiety is normal. When it is more overwhelming than it needs to be, follow these steps. You can control your anxieties.

Marriage is a partnership. Two people came together, bringing all different sorts of wonderful and unique aspects into the marriage.

Each individual has their traits, personalities, frustration and limitations that are brought to the marriage. Combining the differences from the wife and husband can create a great marriage or a really difficult one.

Marriage is a partnership. Takes both the husband and wife to create a good marriage.

While dating, each person puts the other before themselves. Communication is open, expressive, a lot of listening happens because each wants to know about the other person.

The man and woman are both held in high regard for each other and the little faults that the person may have is overlooked.

Then comes the wedding and the honeymoon. All is still going strong, Love is in the air!

Things change! What happened??

Well, this is where it seems that all the wonderful things that you saw about your spouse has been put on the backside and the little things that were overlooked while dating are more “important” then the love you may share. The love is still there, but not as focused on as the negatives.

In this stage, couples will either push each other away through hurt, anger, resentment; have an affair to get the “feelings” back; not do anything about the marriage or work through it.

This post will be about what wives do out of their hurt, anger or frustration that may push their husbands away, not closer to them.

1. When complacency in marriage happens, with routines: the wife may end up doing more than her husband. Her reason may be “My husband doesn’t do anything, so I have to!” The wife may do everything, complain about it, but still do everything. The husband may feel hurt and less of a man because he is not part of the partnership; he is not needing to do his share od duties, not being a leader. A man needs to feel respected in himself and in his marriage. When you were dating, he could do no wrong and he did have your respect. Something happened. When men do not have respect or being the leader in the home, he may feel that he is worthless and not wanting to put his heart into the marriage.

2. Nagging. He married you, not your mother or even his own mother!
The more a man is nagged, the less respect he feels, the further away he moves from involviing himself in the marriage. Women may nag because the husband is not doing something that is asked, needs to be done or fear that things will not be done. Nagging will not help your husband feel really attracted to you. You did not nag him when you were dating, so why now?

3. Lack of sex. Men are visual individuals and are stimulated by a woman’s body. I know there are times when you do not want sex and intimacy is what women need, but we are talking about the men here!
I am not saying that when a man does not have sex, he will immediately turn to porn or other women but the lack of sexual connection can push a husband away, create resentment, rejection or also less of a man.

Okay, I have said some difficult things for a woman to accept. I am not saying that it is a woman’s fault for a failed marriage. What I said in the beginning, marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. It takes TWO! This was to point out minimum of 3 aspects that can push a husband away from their spouse and not closer.

If you, the wife, does these things, then do the following:

1. Acknowledge that you do not allow or help your husband do his part in the marriage. Acknowledge that you nag him on doing chores, spend time at home or him not complimenting you. Acknowledge that you may withhold sex when you are angry, hurt or frustrated with your husband or your marriage.

2. Ask your husband for forgiveness. Be sincere. Forgive yourself too!

3. Remember what you loved about your husband while you were dating and remember how you still love him.

4. Accept your differences: in your personalities, desires and needs and how you relate to each other.

5. Plan together how you both are going to help put your marriage back on track. Make a choice to daily work on your marriage.

Marriage is a partnership and takes 2 people!

I was watching Dr. Phil who is beginning his next Parent Boot Camp (teens/kids too) and it was interesting to listen to the parents and hear how they talk about their kids.

The parents were not happy with their teen, did not particularly like them, very angry and frustrated with them, wanted to stop being their parents and did not know what to do.

Dr. Phil asked the parents some very important questions: What part is the parents’ responsibility for their child(s) behavior? What are they (parents) telling their kids? What type of words are the parents imprinting on their child (s) mind? These questions may not be verbatum but similar ones were asked.

The parents acknowledged their responsibility with help creating their child (s) behavior but the acknowledgement was not easy!

Dr. Phil pointed out, which I agree, the child (s) don’t just turn out: mean, rude, having tantrums when their way is not done, yelling, wanting everything, not following the rules, running away or eating too much.

I am not saying, nor Dr. Phil is, that the parents are not solely responsible because the child (s) are responsible for their behavior but the parent can help in creating a positive or negative way of relating to one another.

So Parents I ask you:

1. How do you see your child (s)? Do you see them as loveable people that need to be guided in life inspite of their difficult/challenging behaviors at time? Do you see them as mean, rude people that you cannot love at all? Are you “done” being their parent?

How you are reacting to your child (s) behavior can keep your relationship in a negative vicious cycle.

2. How are you contributing to your child(s) behavior?

If you react to the problem then you are contributing to the problem.

3. How would you like to relate to your child(s)?
4. How can you change your reaction to a more positive response?

Teens and parents CAN get along. The relationship can be challenged by: differences of opinions, independence desired from child(s), parent not wanting child to be independent, both wanting to be “right”.

The Parent Boot Camp will be a very difficult and challenging experience for the families participating. I know they will work through the challenges and become a stronger family.

You may not be able to go to a Parent Boot Camp but there are things that you can do so you RESPOND to your child(s) and not react.

1. Set your emotions aside. When two people get emotionally entrenched, no one is listening and problems are not being solved.

2. Talk about the specific issue. Stay focused. When the conversation gets off track, the problem does not get solved but adds more drama.

3. When frustration or anger arises: STOP the conversation; take a break so emotions can be more in control. Return about 10-15min later or when calm. This process may need to be repeated and if it does, that is okay. You are beginning to create change.

4. Listen to each others’ views. Don’t speak over one another. Clarify what was spoken so understanding is completed.

5. Come up with possible solutions to the problem. Parents: You can help your child learn to negotiate so the situation can be a win-win!

There will of course be times when what a parent says goes, and the child(s) will have to accept it. These steps can help both you and your child(s) to have better communication and a better relationship together.

If you have watched Dr. Phil, there was a show about texting. This also has been on the news.

Sexting is sending nude or partial nude pictures through text on phones. Texts can include sexual explicit information, not just pictures.

A statistic that I heard from www.freedombeginshere.org said that 39% of teens between 13-16 years of age receive sexually explicit texts which can be broken down to 1 in 5 girls receive them. Boys can recieve them as well and of course both can send pictures or texts.

It can be frightening to a parent with this information. Technology is a very fast way for teens to get information, talk to friends, receive unwanted pictures and be involved in situations that are way over their head.

What can a parent do?

1. A parent needs to talk to their teen about sexting. I know it may be uncomfortable but as a parent, it is your JOB to talk about things that may feel uncomfortable. It’s very important because teens need to know the truth, not just what their friends may say.

When you talk, ask about their thoughts on sexting; what do they understand and if they are concerned about what can happen. When you hear their opinion on this issue, you will be able to know where their maturity level is and they will be a part of the conversation and not just being told, “No, it’s wrong”.

2. Disable the multi-media ability on your teen’s cell phone. You are paying the bill, you are the parent. It’s okay for you to do this. If your teen is angry about it, that’s okay, he/ she will live!

3. Install software on the computer (not yet available for the cell phone, I think). The software for the computer will show what your teen is looking at. You can check out www.covenanteyes.com for a free trial.

4. When you look at your cell phone bill, you can look at the spikes in the data. The spikes will show you how much your teen is sending and receiving.

5. Talk about the damages that sexting can do: teen could be charged as a sex offender, the pictures could be posted on the computer and may not be able to work at certain companies, could be in trouble with police. Also, talk with them how they feel about the pictures being sent. Are they creating the image they want to be known for?

Communicating with your teen is very important on all topics, not just this one.

Freedom Begins Here and Covenant Eyes are websites regarding pornography and how a person can get help. Sexting may not totally be labeled as porn but it’s not G rated either.

As parents, it’s YOUR job to demonstrate to your teen healthy living; helping them to make wise decisions and giving consequences when necessary.

Having your teen share their ideas about sexting will help them feel a part of a solution, not just another problem to be grounded for.

Two other ideas: Check on your teen and his/her phone calls. Monitor his activity. Set up rules about phone use, what will be the consequences when the rules are broken and for how long.

The other idea is the teen does not have to have a cell phone. If the teen does not have a problem with sexting, then this may not apply to them. If they do, your teen WILL survive without a cell phone. They are resilient. You may be the “worst” parent, but you are doing your job to protect your teen as much as possible.

Change can be very hard to do. Complacency and staying the same is so much easier to do.

When we do things, out of habit, it does not cause the body to be out of balance. The body and mind can do things without even thinking about it. For example: tying our shoes, brushing our teeth or even the way we check our mirrors in our cars.

When we first started to do the aforementioned items, they were difficult. Practice was involved, a lot of practice, then finally we were able to do those things without even thinking about it.

What are the four things that can help us change?

First: Identify what we want to change.

If we want to change how quickly we get angry, then we need to identify it. Do we want to not scream? Do we want to listen more, then respond? What exactly about getting angry do we want to change?

Second: Visualize the change. If you want to be less angry, then see it in your mind. See how you are not yelling, speaking in calmer tones and visualize how more peaceful you will be.

Third: Mental Rehearse it. Once the “new” you is visualized in your mind, Rehearse it over and over in your mind. The mind is connected to the body and when we see something in our mind, the body generally follows.

Fourth and last thing: DO. In order for the “new” you to respond with less anger (following through the example given) you must actually respond in a less angry way. When you do what you have identified, visualized, mental rehearsed, the mind and body are connected in a new way.

Change at first is hard, but PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE and DO, then the NEW will be much easier!

Teenagers and the Brain!!
From the book, Evolve Your Brain by Joe Dispenza writes this about the frontal lobe and teenagers:

One of the reasons teenagers are so impulsive is that the frontal lobe takes time to develop fully. In an article published by Nature magazine in 1999, researcher Jay Giedd and his associates from the National Institute of Mental Health clearly demonstrates that frontal lobe development continues throughout adolescence and into the mid-twenties.

When we are teens, not only are we bombarded with a cascade of raging hormones, but we also lack the kind of impulse control that adults have, or at least should have.

Teenagers definitely think about things differently than adults and the reason is simple. They do not yet have the hardware to process complex reasoning.

Their frontal lobe is still developing. At the same time, their AMYGDALA, which sits deep in the midbrain and is involved in their gut reactions (our fight or flight response), is more active than the higher centers for reason (such as the frontal lobe).

A low level of activity in the frontal lobe will lead to poor control over impulsive behavior and emotions, while an overactive amygdala will lead to higher levels of emotional reactions and impulsive decision making.

Teenagers often do make decisions based on feelings. We sometimes cannot reason with a teenager, because their frontal lobe is not fully functional for rational thought.

This accounts for why teenagers are so impetuous; their frontal lobes cannot hold the reins of the emotional self. The result is clear: they react before they think.

So, what does this mean?

Teens are impulsive and do not think before they do something.

Rational conversations can be difficult for teens to truly comprehend since that part of the brain is not fullly functioning yet.

Teens still need to be told how to make wise decisions and there is a consequence for a particular decision, that can help them for later on in life.

NO LONG LECTURES!!! Teens do not always listen after they hear that they are in trouble. So, be short with what you want to say and maybe even speak in TEEN Language!

Here’s an example: Dude, your socks stink, and girls will like you more when you wash your socks.

Parents: NO LONG LECTURES about where they are going to be in the future based on their decisions today,, I am not saying that you cannot tell them that “later in life” they may regret some of their decisions or that there will be a huge consequence to pay, but their “later” is when their favorite TV show is on, not the same “later” as parents see it: after high school and thereafter.

So, it’s true: Teens are impulsive; they do not think; they do not always understand reasoning. So be patient, explain briefly, put it in their language and remember,, they will grow up!

Forgiveness is to “grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt”, Wikipedia, 2009. Forgiveness can also be refusing to hurt the person who has hurt you; it’s not denying that something bad has happened. Forgiveness prevents the deed from doing any further damage than it already has to you and your life.

You may have been hurt by someone or you have caused hurt to someone. A relationship is broken and may need to be mended.

In order to forgive, there are steps that a person can take:

1) Acknowledge that you have been hurt. If you have hurt someone, you will need to acknowledge what you have done. Confessing the hurt may not feel good but it helps in the forgiveness process.

2) Taking responsibility for the act which continues to help the process of forgiveness.

3) Asking what you can do to help rebuild the trust in the relationship. Then follow through.

It is the person’s choice to seek forgiveness and to give forgiveness.

Sometimes, forgiveness can be given too early. This means the person giving forgiveness may not want to confront the person who’s offended them, not want to acknowledge their pain or could be they are playing a “victim” role. When forgiveness is given too early, it can prevent reconciliation from happening. Premature forgiveness can also cause other problems such as: anxiety, depression, more pain and guilt or even vengeance.

It may take time for you to forgive someone. In order for true forgiveness to be given you must:

Acknowledge the hurt that you feel towards the person; Ask yourself if forgiveness will help you feel reconnected to that person; Let Go of the hurt by deciding to forgive then Begin to see the person in a new light.

When forgiveness is not given or sought, more hurt can be caused to the person who does not seek or ask for forgiveness. I am not trying to be complicated here, but forgiveness is a personal choice and it really only hinders the person from their own shame and guilt.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool to help restore relationships, brings inner peace to the person seeking and giving forgiveness.

Forgiveness does help restore trust in a relationship. Rebuilding trust can take time.

Each person needs to make some decisions: 1) Let the past be in the past– the past cannot be changed but it does not have to be replayed 2) Remind yourself that forgiveness has been given to the person 3) See the positive aspects of the person and not focus on their faults 4) Allow the relationship to be restored 5) Remember when forgiveness is given, your mental health is at peace.

Change is inevitable. It happens around us and even as this article is being written.

When a person is in control of change, it feels good, exciting, a little nervous and maybe even a little sad. When change is out of a person’s control, it hurts even more because the change was not expected.

There are many things a person can do when change happens. Some of the things that a person does may not be helpful, such as: get totally depressed, denial about the change, refuse to move forward, stay in the past and be so angry that more change happens.

Change can be hard to accept; people do get sad when change happens but it does not have to be a bad thing.

What can a person do?:

1) Accept the fact that change DOES happen. There are a few things that stay the same: sun rises and sets daily, still 24 hours in a day, still have to pay taxes every April and holidays are on the same date each year.

     When a person accepts that change happens, he/she will be able to know how to handle that change quicker and have more joy in life.

2) Acknowledge that he/she can do something with that change. Change brings new opportunity for growth. Change can also bring some difficut times but the change can continue to lead to new opportunities.

3) Embrace the change. After accepting and acknowledging that change happens, when change is embraced, it can make it easier for the person to decide to do something with that change.

Of course, a person has the choice to resist change, make the change worse, be led by their feelings and hold onto the past. If the person chooses to do this approach, life may be very difficult for them, will be less happy and may miss out on some new learning experiences.

Change is inevitable. The person makes the choice to accept, acknowledge and embrace the change, to learn and grow from it. The person can also make the choice to not do anything when change happens.

What will be your choice?

Marriage is a wonderful relationship; some may see it as an institution and maybe so, but it does not have to have a negative meaning attached to it.

Marriage takes work. It took work to get the person you chose to fall in love with, and it continues to take work after the vows to stay in love.

When marriages are based on feelings, the marriage is very difficult to maintain.  Feelings change many times throughout the day which makes a marriage hard to stay strong.

Marriage needs:

1. Committment from both spouses to stay in the marriage. Love is a decision, even when your spouse has lost the spark or is showing a more irritated side than when you were dating. Wake up each morning and ask yourself how you can help your spouse out that day.

2. Deciding to continue to see the reasons why you loved your spouse in the first place. When two people date, they show the best side of each other. They do things for each other without being asked. If there is a trait that is less than loveable, it may be overlooked but in a marriage, that unloveable trait is whats in the forefront!

3. Keep each other as first priority. Your spouse is number one and is the most important person in your life. Yes, if you have kids, they are important to, but remember: Your spouse was there before your kids.

4. Have a date night. Even if you do not have kids, date nights are still great to have.  The date night helps you to stay connected to each other. On the date night, talk only about your relationship. Don’t talk about the kids, bills, worries, or in laws. This is the time to express your love with each other, remembering how it was while you dated, and enjoy each other.

5. Fight Fair. When a person is angry, words come out that are hurtful and nasty and can stay on the mind of the other for a long time. Set aside a time to talk about a particular issue.  Stay focused on that issue. Take a time out (not just for kids) when emotions begin to flare. Come back to the topic when you are more calm. Do not throw out the “D” word (divorce).  It creates more distance than closeness. Do not bring up what he/she did days, weeks, months or years ago. Focus on the issue at hand.

6. Be each others’ cheerleader! Supporting each other’s accomplishments and challenges strengthens the bond between the two of you. No other support from a friend, family or acquaintance will mean as much as the one coming from your spouse.

7. Speak words of encouragement to your spouse. This connects with being the cheerleader but focuses more on the words that are spoken. You can build up or tear down your spouse by the words you say. So, if you want your marriage to be stronger, build up your spouse with positive and encouraging words. Write down the things you love about him/her and share it with them. They will feel more loved and connected with you.

8. Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings.  Blaming your spouse for being late to work is not being responsible. Admit when a mistake has been made, make corrections and change for the better. The more responsibility you accept, the more you accept with your feelings, the stronger the communication you and your spouse can have. You may be a couple, but you are still an individual with the choices and feelings you have and show.

9. Forgiveness. Forgiveness helps the healing process when a person has been hurt. Forgiveness is more than just saying , “I’m sorry”; it is a recognition of the behavior and deciding to not hurt that person again. Forgiveness helps the person who is asking for it. It is upto the spouse to give forgiveness which may take time depending on the the hurt that was caused. When forgiveness is sought out and received, marriages are strengthened.

10. Laugh with each other. Laughter reduces stress, makes people feel good, eases tight situations, increases attraction towards the other and strengthens the marriage bond.

Marriage takes work. Together,  marriage can and will work!

Speaking to teenagers can be very difficult. It is really difficult when the only responses are: “yeah”; “no”; “shoulder shrug”; “whateva”; or the famous one, “I don’t know”. Other difficulties with communicating with teens can be: the ipod in their ears, a sign on their door says not to enter, on Facebook or Myspace, out with friends or just does not want to talk. What can a parent do?

Here is a list of four things to do to communicate with your teen.

1) Set time aside for conversation with your teen. Teens are so busy with sports, friends, computer time, that having a specific time where you both can sit down and talk is very helpful.

2) With setting a time, you and your teen can do something together. Sometimes it takes the edge off of both of you of just sitting there with not a whole lot of things to say. After the activity, it helps to break the ice.

3) Listen. This is very important because one thing that teens want is to be heard. Listening can be difficult for a parent because parents are better at telling teens what to do. The more you listen, the more you will know about your teen.

4) Don’t judge or criticize what your teen says. If they are commenting about a teacher, what they don’t like about him/her or that the teacher does not know what he’s talking about, just listen. Remember, the more you listen, the more you will know about your teen!

There may be more things you can do to communicate with your teen, but sometimes learning to focus on these four can help make the little changes in your relationship seem really big!

Take time and you can see a difference.