I have not written in the past few months and it seems like time has escaped me. Oops! I will be more diligent in writing my thoughts on how families can become healthier in their relationships with one another.

I have not made any resolutions as it is so popular to do but if I did make one, it would be to be more consistent. I would also remember to be thankful for everything: good, bad or indifferent. Sometimes I get lost in what I’m doing that I forget to be thankful that I’m able to do something!

I’ll be making some changes in the new year and one of them is having a baby. I’ll be closing a practice since I am working two jobs and one needs to go so I can be with my son, in March.

I do want to help people and their families and that is where the diligence will come in to write and maybe come up with other ways on how I can actually help families, and not just through the internet. However I can help, I want to.

Closing a practice is a difficult decision but know that it can be there in another few years or so.

So, again, how will you remember 2010? How are you preparing for 2011?

Nagging, for a teen, is the ultimate turn off. Parents do not see it as nagging because parents have a great way to reframe and rationalize that their nagging is really reminding the teen of what to do. Well, to a teen, the more reminding is nagging. Teens’ faces may go blank, they may appear to be listening but are really not. They are hearing Charlie Brown’s mom’s voice: WAH, WAH, WAH.

Make what you say to your teen short and sweet. Allow them to do what is being asked. Balance.

Insight is helpful but to a teenager it appears as nagging. Not all teens are in tune for insight and for those that do not want anymore insight will be heard as nagging. So, save the insight for the time where you and your teen are just hanging out, where nothing really serious is going on and you guys can just talk. LISTEN to what they are saying. It’s okay to not always give your teen advice. They are able to do things without being told several times.

Nagging, yes, it was briefly addressed but just like a teen, a parent may need to be told to NOT NAG again.

Take time to listen to your teen and demonstrate to them how you would like them to listen. Remember that your teen is capable of getting things done and even though it is not on your schedule, they will get the things done. Balance and negotiate which also helps the communication lines and let your teen express his ideas.

I don’t think you have to wait til you are almost dying to actually live. Life is full of surprises, hurts, pain, love, emotions, trajedy, hilarious moments with friends and family and is better lived to the fullest.

In what areas are you waiting to live life to the fullest? Do you experience joy in your life right now? If not, why not? How can you experience joy? Have you helped someone else experience joy? If not, why not?

Don’t wait til impending death, something worth it comes along, or when you are out of debt, kids grow up, or whatever is holding you back, Live your life to the fullest.

You may not be a billionnaire like Jack’s character in the movie, but Morgan’s character had the love of a family. Jack needed to see that.

I don’t want to give the rest of the movie away, and you don’t have to wait for something to happen to experience life, you can right now.

You can hug your spouse, even if you are irritated at him for not doing his “honey do” list, hug him anyways; you can hug your teen/child or do something nice for them, just because. That will help bring joy in your own life.

Look at the things you can do in your life, in your situation right now. You can make things better, you don’t have to wait to start. It may seem wierd at first, but you will feel a change in your life.

Go ahead, create a list of the things that you’d like to do over the period of your life even helping another person feel good, do it, it will change your life.

Protecting a marriage may be difficult if only one person is doing something. Protecting a marriage is much easier when two people are working on the marriage.

Marriage can be related to a garden. In your marriage garden, there are many beautiful things such as fruit trees, flowers, and bushes but those things do not always start out like that, or stay that way.

A strong marriage begins with a solid foundation. The soil for growth must be moist, have nutrients and to be firm. Dating helps lay the foundation for a healthy marriage. Learning to work things out, communicating your thoughts and feelings and having fun with each other helps deepen the soil.

When marriages are built on a rocky soil, more arguements than love, the foundation can crumble at any little thing. With good soil, marriages can grow, even when storms come, marriage will continue to grow.

Marriage needs to be watered daily. To “water” a marriage, both spouses need to add affection, spending time together, support for one another and laughter. These things can also be known as “seeds”.
Planting seeds of tenderness, compassion, good communication and affection will help the marriage grow strong. Learning new things together, appreciate each other’s differences can also help the marriage grow strong. Watering the seeds daily with acts of kindness, love, attention and time will also help the marriage grow.

Gardens have bushes. Bushes provide a barrier around the garden so the garden can be protected from outside circumstances that may harm the garden.

Marriages also need bushes to protect the marriage from outside circumstances.

Bushes can be used to: protect your time with your spouse. When you have a date night with your spouse, making sure that nothing gets in the way of that date night (unless an absolute emergency) is a bush. Another bush is protecting your love for your spouse. Not allowing other people to come between you and your spouse to cause doubt or concern is a bush. Reminding your spouse that he/she is #1 in your life will help strengthen your marriage.

Having a bush around family time will help strengthen your marriage. It will also show your children that family time is important which helps your children feel safe and secure when storms come.

Both spouses must also make sure that no “weeds” come into the marriage. “Weeds” can be: other priorities or commitments that seem more important than the marriage, doubt, fear, resentment, bitterness, lack of time together, other peoples’ problems and laziness.

When “weeds” begin to arise, pluck them out!! Pluck the weed out from the root. If a spouse has caused hurt by forgetting a special day or appointment, it must be communicated and resolved before the “weed” gets bigger and becomes its own flower. You may want to add more water or forgiveness, time together, love and see where or why this “weed” came in, so it does not happen again.

A big “weed” that has blossomed into its own flower could be an affair. An affair is the result of many “weeds” that overcame your marriage garden.

A marriage can overcome an affair but it will take time to get the “weed” out. Allow healing and restoring the garden to where it was before the “weed” will help the marriage grow stronger. Having solutions to clear out all “weeds” and a plan will help future “weeds” from coming in and overtaking the marriage garden. This may take many “gardeners”: counselors, healthy family and friend support and better communication. The marriage can regrow!

Just like cultivating a garden in your backyard to make sure it is beautiful, takes work. So does your marriage.

So remember:
1. Good soil is needed for a healthy marriage
2. Seeds of love, acceptance, time, tenderness, etc is needed.
3. Water daily
4. Plant bushes to protect your marriage garden
5. Attack the weeds as soon as they come
6. Get another “gardener” (counselor) if you need to.

Cultivate your marriage garden daily and it will blossom.

When a person is anxious, this is what he/she can do to calm down:
1. Stop all anxious thoughts. You can control the thoughts that come into your mind. This may need to be practiced until you are more in control of your thoughs. Stop the anxious thoughts when they come into your mind.

2. Breathe. Take deep breaths. Don’t hold your breath in!

3. Ask yourself what the anxiety is about. When you know why you are anxious you will be able to know what you can do about it.

4. Come up with solutions that will help you be in control. Anxiety can be a helpful tool for us and show where we may need to do something. For example, when a test is coming up and anxiety is there, the anxiety can tell us that we may need to study more. When we study and prepare, the anxiety will lessen. Write down also what you have done to help ease your anxiety.

5. Fear can be related to anxiety. What are you afraid of? If you aren’t sure of what you are afraid of, find out. Write it out.

6. Is the fear rational or irrational? Can the fear be resolved? If so, come up with solutions to resolve the fear. Most, if not all, fears can be resolved.

7. Look at the thoughts you are thinking. Are the thoughts positive ones or negative? If they are negative thoughts, write them down then write a positive thought next to it. Use the Stop technique when you have a negative thought. Replace with a positive one.

8. Meditate on words of affirmation. Meditation is thinking constantly on one or multiple issues. For example, if you are constantly worrying, then you are meditating on being worried. Change your focus on words of affirmation. Affirm what you can do. If you are a fun-loving person to be around, then meditate, “I am a fun-loving person”. Believe it!

9. Write down what you gain by being anxious. If you do not gain anything, then write down what you lose when you are anxious, such as time, peace or happiness.

10. Remember times when you were happier, more confident, more peaceful. How did it feel? What were you doing? Visualize being that person again! This also takes practice but you can BE that person again!

Anxieties can also wreck havoc on our sleeping and eating patterns as well as our physical state.

1. Getting proper sleep each night can help restore balance to your body.

2. Eating nutritional meals also help. Having 5-6 small meals throughout the day helps the blood sugar remain stable. Balanced meals with protein, healthy carbohydrates and a fruit or veggies will help. Look at what you are eating. If you are eating excessive amounts of salt, sugar, caffeine, then you can try to slowly cut them out to see if that helps your anxieties to calm down. Cutting those things out can also help your digestive track to be more healthy.

3. Drinking plenty of water can help restore balance to the body. If you aren’t used to drinking a lot of water, you may go to the bathroom more!

4. Exercise daily. A thirty minute walk can do a wonderful thing to restoring balance to the body. It does wonders for mental fitness!

5. Writing out thoughts and feelings in a journal can help. Finding a person that you can trust is also helpful.

Medication can help reduce symptoms of anxiety. Some medication can also help depression which may be connected with the anxiety. Consult a psychiatrist or your primary care doctor if this route is needed.

Holistic remedies can also help anxiety. Some suggestions can be: Valerian root, Bach flower remedies, Kava Kava, Chamomile and Passion Flower (www.holistichelp.net). These are best combined with exercise and meditation.

A person can also learn to embrace the anxiety. There will be times when you will feel anxious and embracing that anxiety and still getting things done like a test, speaking in a group, will calm the anxiety and build your confidence– that you CAN DO inspite of the anxiety.

Laugh at yourself. That helps you to take your focus off your anxieties, learn to enjoy what you are doing and relax!

One final way which may sound off the wall but can help restore YOU being in control of your anxiety.

Schedule your anxiety. You have a busy day ahead of you and need to get things done, you have done all the things on the list but still may have some anxiety. You decide when you are going to be anxious. You tell yourself that when you get home, you have thirty minutes before you need to make dinner, you will have your “anxious time”. You are only going to be anxious in those 30 minutes. Set a timer. When the timer goes off, you will not be anxious. You are telling yourself that your anxiety is not in control of you, but you are iin control of your anxiety. You can also schedule a calming time which helps bring peace and relaxation.

Anxiety is normal. When it is more overwhelming than it needs to be, follow these steps. You can control your anxieties.

We don’t always make the best choices and yes, hindsight is 20/20. We can also learn how to respond differently, how to be more patient with someone or ourselves so that when another difficult experience happens, we can respond better or have more patience.

Learning from the trials in our lives helps us grow and become more wise. Some learning experiences are harder than others and I think that is dependent upon what we decide at a particular time.

If we choose to have a learning attitude then we continue moving forward in our lives instead of staying where we are at.

I thought this thought was great and it makes sense. It comes from the book: Conversations with Yourself by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin.

Sometimes, we can say to ourselves: I will NEVER or I will ALWAYS, and what we say to ourselves, we can reinforce the negative and hurtful patterns that we either grew up with or started ourselves because of how we grew up.

I don’t mean to be confusing so I will close with this: Are you listening to the positive thoughts like: You can do great things, You are smart/beautiful/accepted or to the negatives: can’t do anything well at all/ugly/unaccepted?

What voice are you listening to? What we focus on can turn into reality.

What a man thinketh, so he is.

Dogs:  need to be fed, bathed, learn how to potty in the right places, love to play in the dirt, crouch when they know they are in trouble and are always happy to see you when you come home.

Children: need to be fed, bathed, clothed, parents have to teach them how to do those things on their own, have to be potty trained (extra work may need to be involved), love to get messy (especially in nice clothes!), they hide when they are in trouble and are happy to see you (for the most part!)

There are some similarities between the two and by no means, I am saying that children are like dogs, but their behaviors are similar.

What do both need to have a happy and healthy lifestyle?

They both need: consistent discipline, “training” in following directions, being respectful, loved unconditionally, rewarded when doing something well, show who’s in charge, stability and daily exercise.

Applying the above will help provide a great start with both a child and a dog, of course, children may need some more work or different types of work to be a healthy adult, but both need YOU to be healthy in their lives and provide what they need.

Watch a funny movie, read the comics, read a joke book, tickle yourself, listen to a laughing baby, make someone else laugh!! Go ahead,, Laugh at yourself!! You can pick up your problems tomorrow, they will still be there, but give your worrying mind a break and LAUGH!