Sanders Therapy

I was talking to a friend the other day who my son and I were supposed to go and visit. Her kids were not listening (5 and 3), were not taking their naps and she was probably almost pulling her hair out! She said she’s has threatened them (not physically) about calling me and not having me come over to which they would reply: “No” (with a whine) but would resume the unwanted behavior. She did say that she was starting to follow through with what she “threatens” and we did not go over and play.

After the phone call, I was thinking about how this situation could have been handled differently:

1. If you are going to threaten to take away something from your child, make sure you do it, the first time! Threatening and threatening does not work. You are basically teaching your child to wait until you get really, really pissed off and then you will actually do something. He will definitely help you to get to that point.

2. Have alternatives so that you, the parent, does not miss out on seeing a friend. She could have said that if they took their naps, then when I came over, they could play with my 8month old son. If they did not, then they will have to be in their rooms when I came over and only she would get to play with my son. Hmm,,, that is not a bad idea and it implements CHOICE.

3. My friend was frazzled, to say the least. It is hard to contain emotions when you have told your child multiple times to do something and they do not and you have no idea on what else to do. I know it’s hard, but you need to keep your emotions under control. Your child wants to you to be out of control, so that he will not have to do the requested item or have better behavior. It’s his job to help you to become frustrated,,, but it’s still your choice to become frustrated.

How to break the cylce:

1. Do not threaten. If your son is to go to a birthday party and he needs to do his homework but he does not, then he does not go to the party.

2. Only 1 reminder. Your child knows and heard what you said and he knows what he needs to do but always reminding him takes away his responsibility. With the above homework/party example, remind him once but keep the responsibility on his part. Yes, even if he’s 5. Parents do not want their child to miss anything BUT if he does not miss anything then he’s not going to learn that he needs to be responsible for his behavior and his choices. The first time is hard, but it does get easier for the both of you.

3. Follow through. Again with the homework/party example: if your child does not get the homework done, he does not go to the party. He will hurt, cry, maybe even yell that he hates you,, that will hurt. But DO NOT GIVE IN. A response would be: I know you are angry, but when you do not do your homework, you do not go to the party. Keep it objectively on what he needed to do so he could go. DO NOT ADD ANYTHING ELSE. Keep it simple and to the point.

4. Keep it simple and to the point. This is not a time for lectures, which does not work either. Validate his feelings and accept the fact that he “hates” you, which he really does not. Focus on what he needed to do but did not do and that he is not going to the party. That’s it. No more.

5. Keep your emotions in check. Again, children will do ANYTHING to get their way, for you to break down and give in. Keep your emotions in check and stay firm.

Children will not tell you this but they really do want you to stay firm and follow through. They will act out MORE when you do not. Do NOT feel guilty when you follow through with your decisions. It may not feel good but your job as a parent is not always supposed to feel good. You can be their friend later,, but be a good parent now.

When you begin to change how you discipline, your child’s behavior will increase before it decreases. You got to keep holding on to the new style of disciplining.. YOU are disciplining your child, but to your child it will feel like PUNISHMENT! lol As you keep firm with what you are doing,, your child’s behavior, WILL CHANGE,,, it will take some time but it will change,,, and will be easier to enjoy your children.

Well,, I may print this out for my friend and hope this will help her. I hope this will help you.

Resources that I find helpful are: www.empoweringparents.com and www.loveandlogic.com. Check them out and make healthy changes today!

It has been a long time since I have been on my website. I had my son in February and have been enjoying him, learning about him and hanging out with my husband and especially not working. I am going back to work which is hard but as of right now, that is what I need to do. One day I will not be working, maybe in private practice still but not as an employee.

So, with going back to work, how will I manage to still spend time with my son and my husband?

I will have the mornings with my son and my husband will have the afternoons when he goes to work at nights. Kyle, my son, will have a sitter. On the weekends, it will be father and son time since I will be at work and I will have the evenings with them. Fridays are MY days, with Kyle and daddy will be there too. So we will make sure that we hang out and play that day and not worry about the laundry, always going places and will make sure that we all eat together. Three nights of the week, I am working late. The other four nights of the week, I will be home and those will be the times that we are all three together. That is how it will work for now.

How my husband and I react to this change will make it easier or harder for Kyle. Overall, Kyle is very adaptable, flexible and easy so that definitely helps out a lot. If a child is not that way, I would talk with the child, tell him/her what is going to happen. Reassure the child that mommy and daddy will still love him/her, they will spend time together and everyone will make it work. Kyle is only 4 months but I do tell him what is going on, who’s coming over, what time mommy will be back from work. He may not totally understand everything but I feel that I am preparing him for what is going to happen which I believe that helps him to stay calm and relaxed.

Making the time count with the child is most important. When a parent says something to the child, like: playing together. The child is waiting for that to happen. If the play time does not happen, then that can lead to the child wondering when it will happen and if mommy and daddy are telling them the truth. If the play time can not happen, tell your child why and set another time for that play time and of course follow through. We want our children to know that we are going to be truthful with them and follow through with what we say.

Things do come up and we may not always be able to have family time but if it happens more than not, that is the best thing.

Set a schedule, which can be changed.
Be consistent with the schedule. Do allow some flexibility so it is not so rigid.
Have the kids help out with what is going to be done with Family Time. That will help them feel more apart of the family and helping them with making decisions.
It does not always have to cost money. Interacting with a TV show, making popcorn, telling stories, taking a walk around the neighborhood can be family time.
Does not have to be long but make it count. If for some reason, the family only has about 30 minutes because there is a lot to do, make that 30 minutes count.
Family time is for FUN, togetherness, learning about each other and being relaxed. Family time is NOT the time to tell a child what they are doing wrong, how they have to be, paying bills (unless you are teaching the child). That can be another time to make sure a child is acting the way they need to be.

Well, I will add more to this another time, so I can go and enjoy my family time. You can begin now, make it work. If it does not work, right away, keep working at it.

Have fun with you family!!!

December 2010 is coming to a close and 2011 will be coming in very soon.
How will you remember 2010? How will you be ready for 2011?

I have not written in the past few months and it seems like time has escaped me. Oops! I will be more diligent in writing my thoughts on how families can become healthier in their relationships with one another.

I have not made any resolutions as it is so popular to do but if I did make one, it would be to be more consistent. I would also remember to be thankful for everything: good, bad or indifferent. Sometimes I get lost in what I’m doing that I forget to be thankful that I’m able to do something!

I’ll be making some changes in the new year and one of them is having a baby. I’ll be closing a practice since I am working two jobs and one needs to go so I can be with my son, in March.

I do want to help people and their families and that is where the diligence will come in to write and maybe come up with other ways on how I can actually help families, and not just through the internet. However I can help, I want to.

Closing a practice is a difficult decision but know that it can be there in another few years or so.

So, again, how will you remember 2010? How are you preparing for 2011?

December 2010 is coming to a close and 2011 will be coming in very soon.
How will you remember 2010? How will you be ready for 2011?

I have not written in the past few months and it seems like time has escaped me. Oops! I will be more diligent in writing my thoughts on how families can become healthier in their relationships with one another.

I have not made any resolutions as it is so popular to do but if I did make one, it would be to be more consistent. I would also remember to be thankful for everything: good, bad or indifferent. Sometimes I get lost in what I’m doing that I forget to be thankful that I’m able to do something!

I’ll be making some changes in the new year and one of them is having a baby. I’ll be closing a practice since I am working two jobs and one needs to go so I can be with my son, in March.

I do want to help people and their families and that is where the diligence will come in to write and maybe come up with other ways on how I can actually help families, and not just through the internet. However I can help, I want to.

Closing a practice is a difficult decision but know that it can be there in another few years or so.

So, again, how will you remember 2010? How are you preparing for 2011?

There’s going to be some changes happening in my personal family. I’m pregnant. This will be our first child and will be due in March 2011.

Change can be a lot of different things: fun, excitement, scary, nervous, unforgettable, dreadful and a lot of other adjectives that a person can add.

We are excited, nervous, looking forward to it and doing what we can and need to do to make some other changes in our lives.

That is what seems to happen: when a change occurs, it ripples into making other changes. There is no need to freak out about change because change is always happening. Life is about change. It happens all the time.

How to adjust to change is different for each person. To make healthy adjustments can be done with some of these points:

1. Accept that change will happen. Whether you do the change or it’s done to you, change will happen.

2. Be prepared as much as you can. How? Well, if there are rumors about layoffs, then do what you can to get your finances in order, prepare your resume, begin looking for another job. If you have young children, know that they will grow up and become adults so you can help prepare them for change and help teach them to be responsible young well adjusted adults by leading by example.

3. Realize that change happens to everyone. Change does not just happen to you. It may feel that changes are happening more to you than to others, but it may be about your perception.

4. Stay calm and peaceful. Freaking out about change is not going to necessarily make change easier. It can actually add more change. Things may happen that you least expect them to so a little freak out is okay, but then Read Step 1.

5. Know that you will be okay. With changes happening to everyone, people do adjust or adapt. Of course, there are people who do not adapt well to change but then again, there are changes when a person does not adjust well to change.

I’m looking forward to this change. How I view this change in life is going to be upto me and how I see it, will affect other changes. My personal opinion is that it is better to accept change, be at peace with it and do what you can do with the change. That can make your life a little easier.

Teens and Sleep

Sleep is essential. It optimizes the brain and body for health. It is involved in rejuvenating all the cells in your body, gives brain cells a chance to repair themselves, and activates neuronal connections that might otherwise deteriorate due to inactivity (Amen, 2010).
Teens require a lot of sleep. Early adolescents also require more sleep. For an early adolescent age 5-12 years requires 10-11 hours of sleep. The 13-19 year olds require an average of 9 hours of sleep per night. I do not think a lot of teens are getting that much sleep at all.
Lack of sleep is linked to many different things such as depression, weight gain, ADD, decreased brain functioning and mood changes to name a few.
Sleep deprivation has been linked to mood problems and depression in a number of scientific studies. A study shows that insomnia in adolescents is a significant risk factor for depression later in life.
Sleep deprivation slows reaction times, clouds judgment, affects vision, impairs information processing and increases aggressive behavior. Sleep deprivation can also induce psychosis and paranoia. Studies show that sleep-deprived adolescents are also more likely to drink alcohol, smoke marijuana and use other drugs than those who get enough sleep (Amen, 2010).
Sleeping less makes a person eat more sugary junk foods rather than fruits, vegetables and whole grains. It also makes you eat more calories overall which increases your risk of gaining weight and becoming obese (Amen, 2010).
Sleep deprivation is rampant among teens. Researchers have found that when kids hit their teen years, their sleep cycles change, making them more inclined to go to sleep later and wake up later. That makes it especially tough for teens to be up and alert for those early 7 am start times at some schools. A study from 1997 found that when a high school switched from a 7:15am start time to 8:40am start time, students reported getting more sleep and feeling less tired during the day. They also got higher grades and were less likely to have feelings of depression. A 2009 study found that later school start times increased the number of hours slept during the week and decreased the number of car accidents involving teen drivers in the area by 16.5%! (Amen, 2010).
So with this information, sleep is very important for everyone but especially for teens. With the activities that a teen can or is involved in, regular sleep can be a challenge.
Here are a few ideas that can be done to help establish a healthier sleep routine:

1. Maintain a regular sleep schedule- going to bed and waking up at the same time. This can be difficult if a teen has a job then has to complete homework, but is still workable. A teen may just need to see friends or girl/boyfriend on the weekends!
2. Take computers, video games, cell phones out of the bedroom and have them turned off a few hours before bedtime. Teens may not like this part, but if they can get a healthy sleep routine then MAYBE these can be negotiated back into the room!
3. Eat and maintain healthy eating habits. Avoid caffeinated drinks, sodas or other sugary substances altogether or a few hours prior to bed time.
4. Listen to soothing music. Limp Bisket or Soldier Boy maybe a teen’s favorite but may not help them sleep!
5. Have a sleep journal. This can help a teen monitor his/her own sleep patterns which may help him/her come up with his/her own conclusions about needing more sleep.
6. Reduce stress. Reduce anxiety. Play day in a healthy way. Do what you are supposed to be doing with homework, chores, listening so that parents will have to nag you less!

We all need sleep and can all be affective by the amount of sleep or lack of sleep that we have.

Teens need more and regular sleep so they can function better and healthier. Talk with your teen about how you can help him/her get better regular sleep. Start tonight!

Amen, Daniel. (2010). Change Your Brain, Change Your Body.

Marriage is a multitude of things: bumpy, scary, difficult, fun, long, boring, and another bunch of adjectives that a person can give. Marriage and life together can be very stressful too, with kids, jobs, friends, economy and other life events that there is no control over.

Keeping a marriage together through difficult times can be challenging but when a couple knows how to play with each other, that can help reduce stress, keep love alive and continue to demonstrate to their kids and family that they (the couple) can still be friends and lovers through tough times.

1. Write love notes to each other. This can help the love feel alive when things aren’t always going so smoothly with the family. Love notes can remind one another about how special they are, what they like most about each other and can strengthen the bond between the couple.

2. Flirt! Flirting can also be very helpful to keep the fires burning in a marriage. Flirting does not stop after dating but sometimes it dies down because of the kids, jobs, tiredness and other stressors. Flirting reminds the other again of how special they are and can help increase the intimacy between you and your spouse if sex is not happening.

3. Have a pillow fight! This is fun, exciting, and even the kids can get involved. Rules may first need to be established so it can still be playful and when a person says STOP, then that needs to be respected. Pillow fights can release a lot of tension in a fun and light hearted way as well as enhance some “get it on” desires so that more intimacy can happen.

Life is about balance and within the marriage, sometimes that fun and playfulness is lost or hidden from the pressures that the couple feels. Play keeps the couple alive because life is not all about work. Playfulness helps the kids to know that life can still be fun even if there are stressful times.

Enjoy your spouse and have fun!

Divorce is a very difficult situation in everyone’s lives. It is very emotional, hurtful, takes a lot of time and effort and creates many changes in the lives of parents and children. There are many reasons why a couple divorces: finances, out of love, affairs, abuse, does not want to be married anymore.

Divorce does not have to be an overwhelming situation for the family, if healthy steps are taken place.

1. Before a couple divorces, it is important to have some marital counseling or even divorce counseling. Why? Since divorce can bring out the worst in a person because of the hurtful emotions, the counseling can help the couple reduce their emotional reactivity and learn how to express themselves without emotionally hurting themselves and everyone else in their family. The counseling can go on for 6 months or as long as a year. The goal for this type of counseling is to help the couple come up with a plan on how to handle thier family issues as two individuals but also how to be parents while they are living in separate places.

2. Not blaming the other spouse for what happened. “It takes 2 to tango” is a great saying, not for something that is awesome but also for divorce. If a divorce happens because of an affair, there were many steps before the actual affair took place. Counseling can help resolve those hurtful feelings so that each spouse is not going to blame the other person. Blaming does nothing to help the children become strong individuals themselves and blaming adds more stress to everyone than is necessary.

3. Accept responsibility for the changes in marriage and leading to the divorce. As parents, we want our kids to accept responsibility for what they have done in situations like homework or school so it’s important for parents to accept responsibility for how the marriage has changed, for good or for bad. When responsibility is taken, the adults are showing the children that they are mature enough to look at what has happened and can begin to see how positives can come from a divorce.

4. Communicating with your ex is very important, especially with children. When a divorce happens, a person divorces the spouse, not the children. You are still parents to your children and children need both of you, not just one. If communication is difficult, then going to counseling together, post divorce, can be effective to know how to communicate with your ex. It is also important to show the children that you and your ex can get along with each other because the children still need their parents.

5. Do not use your children against the ex. Whatever bad feelings you have toward your ex, DO NOT use your children as go-betweens. This causes more stress on your child(s) and does not help the relationship for you or your ex. When the child/children grow up, they may see that you (if you are the one who is using your child against your ex) are the opposite of what you claim to be. If you tell your child that your ex is a no good person, mean and angry and the child sees your ex as not that person at all, the child can see YOU as a no good person, mean and angry. This also causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child.

6. Create a family plan. This is a plan that outlines: schedules, time frames for pick up/drop off, rules for each household, what and how you and your ex will agree on, how the children will be involved and how discipline will be followed through. This is very healthy to do because everything is done in writing and everyone can participate in this plan which can also help ease some stress. Even this plan can be amended when you or your ex has a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

Divorce is tough on everyone. You and your ex or soon to be can make it easier or harder on the children when it does not have to be. Keep your negative comments about your ex to yourself. Do your best to be a mature person and if that is difficult for you, then get help for it, so your children do not have to suffer.

This was pointed out to me by my supervisor when I was doing my internship for my licensure as a Marriage and Family Therapist.

When you are saying, “Okay” after telling someone to do something, you are really asking if they want to do it or even permission.

For example, when you tell your child that he/she needs to clean up his/her room and then say, “Okay”, you are wanting their permission that it’s okay for them to clean their room. The answer is generally, “No, I don’t want to” and then an argument starts and the child is hoping that you’ll get tired and then he won’t have to clean his room or that you will do it.

So, it is a difficult thing to do, but if you can change this ONE particular area, that will help you with your relationships.

Practice NOT saying “Okay” after you tell your child to do something and you can use this in other areas in your life. You will be amazed at the changes that omitting this one word has.

So, make sure you do NOT say this word, Okay?

Breathing is the most natural thing a person can do. For whatever reason, when a person is anxious, scared or very angry, they “forget” to breathe which does not help the brain get the oxygen it needs to be able to think clearly.

Here are four simple steps:

1. Place one hand on your abdomen right beneath your rib cage.

2. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose into the bottom of your lungs to the lowest point you can reach for 4 slow counts. Your chest should move only slightly, while your stomach area rises and pushes your hand upward like an expanding balloon.

3. When you’ve inhaled fully, pause comfortably (1-3 seconds) and then exhale fully through your mouth (or nose, if you prefer) for 8 regular counts. As you exhale, let yourself go and imagine your entire body going loose and limp. Pause again (1-3 seconds) before continuing.

4. In order to fully relax, take and release ten or so of these breaths. Try to keep your breathing smooth and regular throughout, without gulping in a big breath or exhaling suddenly. You might count each breath as follows:

Slowly inhale for 4 counts- Pause- Exhale for 8 counts-Pause (count 1)
Slowly inhale for 4 counts-Pause-Exhale for 8 counts- Pause (count 2) and so on until you reach 10 series of breaths.

You’ll find that abdominal breathing will help to slow down or eliminate feelings of anxiety or panic. In fact, two or more minutes of abdominal breathing can abort a panic attack if you initiate it before the panic has gained momentum. Abdominal breathing also counteracts hyperventilation symptoms, which can be mistaken for symptoms of panic. In general, abdominal breathing exercises will help change your breathing from a stressful, anxious process into a more relaxed, soothing rhythm. This will help calm you body and provide more oxygen into your system.

This information was adapted from Bourne, 1992. This information is just as good today as it was in 1992.

You can handle your anxieties by paying attention to your breathing!