I was talking to a friend the other day who my son and I were supposed to go and visit. Her kids were not listening (5 and 3), were not taking their naps and she was probably almost pulling her hair out! She said she’s has threatened them (not physically) about calling me and not having me come over to which they would reply: “No” (with a whine) but would resume the unwanted behavior. She did say that she was starting to follow through with what she “threatens” and we did not go over and play.
After the phone call, I was thinking about how this situation could have been handled differently:
1. If you are going to threaten to take away something from your child, make sure you do it, the first time! Threatening and threatening does not work. You are basically teaching your child to wait until you get really, really pissed off and then you will actually do something. He will definitely help you to get to that point.
2. Have alternatives so that you, the parent, does not miss out on seeing a friend. She could have said that if they took their naps, then when I came over, they could play with my 8month old son. If they did not, then they will have to be in their rooms when I came over and only she would get to play with my son. Hmm,,, that is not a bad idea and it implements CHOICE.
3. My friend was frazzled, to say the least. It is hard to contain emotions when you have told your child multiple times to do something and they do not and you have no idea on what else to do. I know it’s hard, but you need to keep your emotions under control. Your child wants to you to be out of control, so that he will not have to do the requested item or have better behavior. It’s his job to help you to become frustrated,,, but it’s still your choice to become frustrated.
How to break the cylce:
1. Do not threaten. If your son is to go to a birthday party and he needs to do his homework but he does not, then he does not go to the party.
2. Only 1 reminder. Your child knows and heard what you said and he knows what he needs to do but always reminding him takes away his responsibility. With the above homework/party example, remind him once but keep the responsibility on his part. Yes, even if he’s 5. Parents do not want their child to miss anything BUT if he does not miss anything then he’s not going to learn that he needs to be responsible for his behavior and his choices. The first time is hard, but it does get easier for the both of you.
3. Follow through. Again with the homework/party example: if your child does not get the homework done, he does not go to the party. He will hurt, cry, maybe even yell that he hates you,, that will hurt. But DO NOT GIVE IN. A response would be: I know you are angry, but when you do not do your homework, you do not go to the party. Keep it objectively on what he needed to do so he could go. DO NOT ADD ANYTHING ELSE. Keep it simple and to the point.
4. Keep it simple and to the point. This is not a time for lectures, which does not work either. Validate his feelings and accept the fact that he “hates” you, which he really does not. Focus on what he needed to do but did not do and that he is not going to the party. That’s it. No more.
5. Keep your emotions in check. Again, children will do ANYTHING to get their way, for you to break down and give in. Keep your emotions in check and stay firm.
Children will not tell you this but they really do want you to stay firm and follow through. They will act out MORE when you do not. Do NOT feel guilty when you follow through with your decisions. It may not feel good but your job as a parent is not always supposed to feel good. You can be their friend later,, but be a good parent now.
When you begin to change how you discipline, your child’s behavior will increase before it decreases. You got to keep holding on to the new style of disciplining.. YOU are disciplining your child, but to your child it will feel like PUNISHMENT! lol As you keep firm with what you are doing,, your child’s behavior, WILL CHANGE,,, it will take some time but it will change,,, and will be easier to enjoy your children.
Well,, I may print this out for my friend and hope this will help her. I hope this will help you.
Resources that I find helpful are: www.empoweringparents.com and www.loveandlogic.com. Check them out and make healthy changes today!